


America's Asses

by OnyxBird



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Pin-up art, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27581504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxBird/pseuds/OnyxBird
Summary: Tony Stark makes an unplanned trip through Artists' Alley at a convention and is surprised by the sexy Avengers fanart being sold there. Gifts are purchased for all. Bucky and Steve clash over the Cap print.
Relationships: Happy Hogan & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. Artists' Alley

“Tony.” Happy nudged his arm. “Gimme a 20. You're buying Pepper a present.”

Tony flashed a last charming smile at his dispersing fans before turning to Happy. He dug out a $20 bill to pass over.

“What kind of present?”

Not that Happy couldn't be trusted to know whether Pepper would like something, but they were in the middle of a comic-book convention. Tony could think of a few things here that _he_ might enjoy, but Pepper? In fact, the news of _where_ his latest speaking engagement was had elicited a very unladylike snort of laughter. (“Have fun with that” were the exact words, as he recalled.)

He _had_ had fun with it, actually. Yes, it was a little odd knowing there was a simultaneous panel about a Greek-mythology-based webcomic on one side and one on “Star Trek and Erotic Fanfiction” two rooms down on the other. Giving a technical talk to an audience that included stormtroopers, anime characters, anthropomorphic My Little Ponies, and an incredibly convincing Transformer was novel even for him. But the audience for his talk on the interplay between speculative fiction and actual technological innovation had been not only substantial but well-engaged and interested.

“An art print,” said Happy, breaking a path through the crowd to whatever booth had caught his attention.

Tony huffed and glanced up at the prominent sign overhead: “Artists' Alley.” _Technically_ “art print” narrowed the options down slightly, since there were plenty of artists selling sculptures and jewelry and other varieties of art. Realistically, though, “art prints” covered a solid 80% of the booths here. Mostly depicting characters from various media that Pepper didn't watch.

Happy's target was a booth in the next row, selling... _was that pin-up art?_

Tony's view was momentarily blocked by the black angel wings of a man in a rumpled trenchcoat. He paused for a Kylo Ren flanked by two stormtroopers to pass before he could catch up to Happy.

Tony stared bemused at a display of male pin-ups, who he assumed were movie characters. They were well drawn—he recognized some of the actors despite being unfamiliar with most the characters depicted. The poses were varied, creative, and admittedly engaging. But…

“Happy, this is _Pepper_ we're talking about. I'm not sure she—“

Happy wordlessly turned around and held up a print he'd picked up from a different display.

It depicted a man washing a gleaming red sports car. His tank top revealed muscular shoulders while short shorts slid down to reveal a glimpse of underwear and a hint of bare ass. The positioning of the hose was...suggestive. He looked over his shoulder at the viewer as if caught by surprise, and—

“Is that _me?!_ ” Tony leaned in for a closer look, tilting his sunglasses down for an unobscured view.

Yes, that was definitely his face, his meticulously trimmed facial hair, and even—he pulled his glasses off fully to compare—Tony's exact sunglasses perched on his nose.

“Well?” Happy smirked. “Think Pepper would like one after all?”

A movement in his peripheral vision drew Tony's attention to the seller behind the table. He was biting his lower lip nervously and looked ready to sink into to the floor.

Tony flashed him a wide grin and leaned in over the table. “You the artist?” The man nodded hesitantly. “Brilliant. You captured all my best features. My wife's going to love this. I—”

A circle of red, white, and blue caught his attention before he could say anything more.

“Oh, you've got a whole set!”

Alongside the additional prints of Tony washing his car were others: Cap with just his shield preserving his modesty, Thor in a skimpy bathrobe with a strategically positioned hammer, Barton taking aim at an archery target wearing little more than an arm guard and a strategically placed quiver, a naked Hulk squeezing into a too-small pool float, T'Challa glistening with sweat from a workout, and Lang swimming laps in an Altoids tin while several ants held up scorecards in the background.

Tony doubled over with laughter. Happy handed him a handkerchief to wipe the tears from his eyes. When he could finally breathe again, he pulled out his wallet.

“I'm gonna need, uh, two full sets of these.” He indicated the Avengers display.

“Two?” asked Happy.

“Well, Pepper's going to get a set, and you know Romanoff's going to want copies, too. Actually, better make it three sets. Enough of these guys have partners who ought to get copies of the relevant individual prints, so might as well just have a full third set to divide up. Barnes is gonna love the one of Steve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by the delightful MCU pin-up art of David Talaski (<https://davidtalaskidraws.tumblr.com>). Most of the descriptions of the drawings (except for those of Clint Barton and Scott Lang) are based on his Avengers pieces.


	2. Artist's Ally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky loves the Cap pin-up print. Steve does not. Can two WWII-veteran supersoldiers resolve their disagreement in a mature and dignified manner? Of course not.

“Stark, where did you buy that print? I need to order another one.”

“The Cap pin-up? I bought it in-person at a convention, but I've got the guy's info saved somewhere. I'm sure he's on Etsy or something. Hang on.” Tony muted the line to Barnes with a gesture. “Friday! Find the info on that pin-up artist with the Avengers set and pull it up on-screen, please.”

He switched back to the call as soon as he heard her acknowledgement.

“What are you gonna do with another one? One for home; one for the office?”

“I don't need a second one. I need a replacement. Mine has mysteriously vanished.”

“'Mysteriously.'” Tony threw his head back and laughed. “Is that so?”

“Yes. Mysteriously. Steve assures me he has no idea where it could be. Which probably means he made sure it went in the garbage right before the trash truck came, and therefore it could be anywhere.”

“Well, that just cannot stand...Tell me what it'll take to convince Rogers that he can't make this disappear just by throwing your prints away. 10 copies? 20? Looks like this guy only stocks them in 8x10 or 12x15, but I am completely prepared to arrange a custom print job if he's willing. What do you think? You want a few wallet size? Something bigger so it won't be 'misplaced'? Ooh, do you want regular cardstock or the special sparkly paper?”

***

A few weeks later, it began.

“You seriously got another one?”

“How many of those do you _have_?”

“Ha ha. Very cute. You'd better not have damaged my mom's picture swapping those out.”

“ _Please_ don't tape stuff to my shield. This is stupid.”

“OK, you're not actually putting that on the wall. Buck!...Come on! That's excessive. Why did anyone turn that into a poster in the first place?”

“Bucky, why is there a tiny pin-up of me in my sock drawer?...Oh, _and_ in my shoe. Really?”

“Look, I am _sorry_ I threw your print away. I won't do that again. But can you please not stash copies around the quinjet? Okoye found this one. She and Ross were critiquing it!... _No promises?!_ You're gonna kill me, Buck. One of these days I'm going to literally die of embarrassment, and then you'll be sorry.”

After almost a month of an on-going campaign of aggression via patriotic pin-ups, things seemed to have settled down. By this point, all of the Avengers and support staff were well aware of the ongoing war. How could they not be, when nearly every person in the tower had found at least one of the numerous prints tucked away _somewhere_? There was still ongoing debate as to whether the postage-stamp sizes were actually ordered and printed at that scale or if Lang was in on the prank as well. (Scott himself weaseled out of every attempt to engage him in conversation on the subject, with increasingly absurd excuses. Everyone was sure Luis knew one way or the other, but he couldn't be pinned down on the subject either. It wasn't that he avoided answering the question so much as he answered so thoroughly that by the end the listener could barely remember their own name, much less what they'd been trying to find out in the first place.)

As a result, everyone was thoroughly jolted awake when Rogers' howl rang through several floors of the tower on a peaceful autumn morning...

“ _Goddammit_ , Buck! This is a brand-new roll of toilet paper I took out of the package myself! _How_ is there a fucking pin-up of me stuck between the layers?”

Tony smiled into his pillow and reminded himself to commend Happy again for his _excellent_ taste.

Also: “Friday, please activate the intercom in Rogers' quarters and convey the message 'Language!'”


End file.
